disjoint thoughts

Another Jeff Murdoch invention:

Jeff: “Ok, maybe I can help you. You know jelly wrestling?”
Steve: “Jelly wrestling?”
Jeff: “Which is basically jelly with women wrestling in it.”
Steve: “We’re familiar with the concept yes.”
Jeff: “Ok, well, think about this afterwards, after the wrestling. What happens to the jelly?”
Steve: “The jelly.”
Jeff: “Because you could sell that. That… is a missed opportunity. You could bottle and sell it.”
Steve: “Ok.”
Jeff: “You’d take the women out first, obviously.”
Steve: “Good.”
Jeff: “There’d just be a hint.”
Steve: “Are you in any way moving in the direction of relevance?”
Jeff: “Relevance? Steve, do you realize what I just invented? Porn Jelly. The human races’ two most favorite things meet at last. In dessert form.”
Steve: “Jeff!”
Jeff: “There’s a lot of lonely people out there Steve. What do lonely people enjoy? Puddings and porn. Now, for all your needs, pudding porn. It’s a girlfriend in a jar except it’s jelly.”

This comedic excerpt brought to you by Coupling.

Jeff:
“Do you know what arses are Patrick? Arses are the human races’ favourite thing. We like them on each other. We like them on magazine covers. We even like them on babies. When we’re alone we like to scratch them. When there’s a fire, we like to warm them and who among us hasn’t, in a lonely moment, reached back for a discreet fondle? We love our arses. When God gave us our arses he had to stick them around the back just so that we wouldn’t sit and stare at them all day. ‘Cos when God made the arse he didn’t say, ‘hey it’s not your basic hinge, lets knock off early.’ He said, ‘behold ye angels I have created the arse. Throughout the ages to come, man and woman shall grab hold of these and shout my name.’”

Ripped from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giggle_loop:

The Giggle Loop is a state of mind invented by Steven Moffat, the writer of the BBC comedy series Coupling. The idea is somewhat simple and occurs during those annoying moments of silence and relies on incredibly bad timing.

Patrick: What’s a giggle loop?

Jeff: Don’t Ask… to know about the giggle loop… is to become part OF the giggle loop!

Steve: I think we can take it

Jeff: You’re not ready for the giggle loop

Jeff: Basically, it’s like a feedback loop, you’re somewhere quiet, there’s people… it’s a solemn occasion, a wedding!.. no, it’s a minutes silence for someone who’s died!

Steve: Right?

Jeff: Minutes Silence, ticking away… the giggle loop begins! Suddenly, out of nowhere this thought comes into your head, the worst thing you could possibly do during a minutes silence is laugh! As soon as you think that, you almost do laugh! Automatic reaction but you don’t… you control yourself! You’re fine! But then you think how terrible it would have been if you’d laugh out loud in the middle of a minute silence and so you nearly do it again! But this time, it’s an even bigger laugh, then you think how awful this bigger laugh would have been, and so you nearly laugh again only this time, it’s a very big laugh, let this bastard out and you get whiplash!
… and suddenly, you’re in the middle of this completely silent room, and your shoulders are going like they’re drilling the road, and what do you think of this situation? Oh dear Christ, you think it’s funny!